Wednesday, March 30, 2005

 
Hello! Welcome to my Current Events Limerick Page! OK, so they aren't all limericks, but most of them are. Some of these have been published by the Washington Post in their weekly "News to Amuse" contest under my other nom de plume, "Hockessin, DE." And some of them haven't, for whatever reason. But you get to see ALL of them, for better or worse, by coming to this blog. In fact, I recently won for my "Casey Needs His Juice" poem, which makes me a published AND prize-winning poet!

On the Presidential Election 2004
Bush says he can heal the divide
Some say that he lied and he lied
They yak and they yak
Between each attack
As voters we sighed and we sighed

The two-party system is broke
"Democracy" went up in smoke
Bush's more like Nero
Than he's a hero
To say we're united's a joke

On the Inauguration 2005

With a speech and some pomp and a band
We ignore all the strife in the land
Woodrow had it right:
No parties tonight!
Let's get back to the business at hand

On the stage Bush is reaping the perks
In the stands Kerry sits and he smirks
But out in the crowd
In whispers out loud
Both sides call the other one jerks

After speeches both regal and tough
Came the pomp and the bands and the fluff
For once we agree
With the Glitterati
Two parties just aren't enough!

On the Harvard "Sex" Scandal

When Summers sprung "Math's for us gent"
Ms. Hopkins got really quite bent
Larry's sexist gall
Will be his downfall
It's the winter of her discontent

You can't tell a Harvard man much
About all those "-isms" and such
"A manly man's path
Is Science and Math"
Is a subject he better not touch

Summers' in for the fight of his life
His comments have caused lots of strife
Being a male-snob
Is bad for his job
But wait till he hears from his wife!

On the State of Dis-Union Speech 2005

"Democracy's out on the prowl"
And the GOP stands up to howl
When Bush shoveled poo
Some brave Dems did boo
But mostly they sit there and scowl

On the Michael Jackson Trial

Michael Jackson (who's white as a ghost)
Is accused of being a bad host
So if the court finds
He likes boys' behinds
Michael's singing career will be toast

Michael Jackson was hit with the flu
And was late with his recent boo-boo
To add to this show
Did we need to know
That his favorite jammies are blue?

On General Mattis's Fondness for Killing

General Mattis thinks killing's fun
He loves the sound of his big gun
His credo's, no doubt:
"God will sort them out"
Let's all pray his career is done

On the Buster PBS Scandal

What Would Mr. Rogers Do?

That Postcard from Buster wasn't bad
Because those kids had moms, no dad
But Spellings said "Leave it in the can"
So PBS turned their tail and ran
And adding insult to her flack
She whined "We want our money back!"
PBS did what they thought was right
They kept the episode out of sight
But what was "right" was really wrong
We've kept gays in closets all too long
PBS was our beacon of hope
We wrote them checks! Aren't we the dope!
They have no backbone, they have no spine
"We believe in equality" is just a line
Heaven forbid, our kids should see
A loving couple, she and she
Our kids might learn, like Tinky Winky
That gay people aren't all that kinky
They're really just like you and me
They want to live here and be free
So if you're listening, PBS
(just in case you couldn't guess)
Next time you preempt a week of shows
To trot out your budget woes
And ask us for our yearly tithes
Perhaps we'll just avert our eyes
And turn off the money spigots
Go hit up those right-wing bigots!
I'd ask myself, if I were you
What would Mr. Rogers do?

Pat Mitchell is being adjourned
"But not because Buster I spurned!"
PBS, you see
Must bow to D.C.
Now boys and girls, what have we learned?

Pat Mitchell steps down
She denies, but we wonder
Did Buster bust her?

On Prince Charles's Remarriage

Charles' marriage to Diana was aborting
Even while Camilla he was courting
One questions his taste
(And hopes he is chaste!)
We wonder who next he's Consorting?

On the Eagles' Superbowl Loss

It's just another "almost" for Philly
This win-aversion-thing's getting silly
There'll be no delight
In Mudville tonight
Philadelphia's mood is quite chilly

This season has been no exception
By bumbling, fumbling, interception
Philly teams make an art
Of breaking a fan's heart
Don't expect a happy reception!

On the NHL Season That Wasn't

Hockey team owner to his crony:
"More money I don't want to pony!"
So they hatch a plan
To shaft every fan
And the guy who drives the Zamboni

On Bush's and Rice's Trip to Europe 2/05

Ms. Rice is quite the dominatrix
When dressed in her garb from The Matrix
With a whip and chair
And some savoir faire
She'll have those world leaders doing tricks

Mr. Bush is in Russia with Putin
For Democracy's cause he's a-rootin'
He's trying to be nice
But if he sends in Rice
Russian butts will be in for a bootin'

On Martha Stewart's Release from Jail

No longer are prisons a place
Where celebrities hide their face
Being locked away
Brings certain cache
Who gets to serve next is a race!

In the past they said prison life sucks
And the food deserved nothing but yucks
But soon you'll see sales
Of Martha-brand jails
Where the coffee is made by Starbucks

On the Baseball Steroid Scandal

Casey Needs His Juice
With apologies to Ernest Lawrence Thayer

It wasn't very long ago that our heroes swung the ash
And played the game for love, not heaping mounds of cash.
They used the muscles they were given by work and heredity
And not from some drug dealer who extracts a hefty fee.

Is it just mindless greed that corrupts our grand old game
Or a headlong rush for more than one's fair share of fame?
They say the fans demand it, they want more homers flying.
But even as they get them, this grand old game is dying.

So even mighty Casey, who's nearly seven feet
Claims he has to take them, just to now compete.
The liquid he injects and the pills that he is popping
Keep the ancient thirty-something's stats from their relentless dropping.

Our kids look up to Casey, they copy what they see:
"I know when I grow up, that's what I want to be!
I want forearms like McGwire, home runs like Barry Bonds!
Why should I work for muscles when I can use steroids' magic wands?"

Some say the benefits of steroids far exceed the risk.
Others want those records to have an asterisk.
Just because most athletes are judged by stricter rules,
They don't apply to Casey, nor to kids in schools.

"Fraud!" cried the minority, and the media answered "Fraud!"
But one great blast from Casey and the audience was awed.
They liked to see the records of forgotten heroes bested,
And thus they never said, these players should be tested.

But the price that we are paying for the paying fans' pleasure
Far exceeds the worth of King Solomon's great treasure.
In addition to the players we're losing to this drug,
The graves of far too many teens this evil juice has dug.

Oh, somewhere in the future the sun is shining bright.
We can only hope that someday we'll finally do what's right.
So till then we'll lobby, and Congressmen will shout,
But there's justice now in Mudville — mighty Casey's heart gave out.

Baseball's hearings were not a lovefest
And McGwire was not at his best
We heard lots of maybes
But they're just big babies
They are scared of a little blood test

A sports superstar's life's full of strife
To stay hero to fans and the wife
But those guys who are juiced
Their careers so to boost
Give new meaning to "larger than life"

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