Saturday, November 24, 2007
On Black Friday
"Black Friday Bills" (sung to “Jingle Bells”)
Black Friday is here!
Credit cards, credit cards,
Cash is so passé;
Credit cards, credit cards,
The offers never stop
Ooooooh, credit cards, credit cards,
Sunday, November 11, 2007
On Barry Bonds' Chances of Being Elected to the Hall of Fame
For the legends who swatted the ball,
The name Bonds you won't see
(Not unless you go pee,
'Cause I wrote it myself in the stall!).
Friday, August 24, 2007
82 Minutes of Jail for Nicole
82 minutes of jail for Nicole,
82 minutes of jail,
She took a drink, wound up in the clink,
82 minutes of jail for Nicole
81 minutes of jail for Nicole,
81 minutes of jail,
She took a drink, wound up in the clink,
81 minutes of jail for Nicole
Continue until your jail time runs out...
Remember, if next time she gets slapped with 84 minutes, or maybe even 90 if the judge is really mad, start with that time.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
On the President's Commuting Scooter Libby's Sentence
And it's not 'cause he paid off the bail.
Oh, sure, he did lie,
But mere laws don't apply
To an old friend of George's from Yale!
Thursday, June 07, 2007
On Paris Hilton's early release from jail
They tired of hearing her wail.
Just a slap and some fines--
Why not put out the signs?
Our justice is now up for sale.
Monday, January 29, 2007
2006: A Bad Year for Dictators
Thursday, January 11, 2007
A Salute to the Do-Nothing Congress of 2006
That our Congress won't put in their time!
They work but a mere
One-third of the year,
And it's all on the taxpayers' dime!
Thursday, December 07, 2006
We Are Losing The War in Iraq
We are losing the war in Iraq.
And for those wearing blinders,
I'll rephrase these reminders:
WE ARE LOSING THE WAR IN IRAQ!!!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Take My Wife, Please!
OK, so it's not about current events, but I like it. For more of my dictionary doggerel, go to http://www.oedilf.com/db/Lim.php?AuthorId=1724
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
A New Word from the Republican Re-election Handbook
Friday, August 18, 2006
On Judge Kessler's Long Overdue Revelation
"Big Tobacco’s been feeding us lies."
Now ain’t that a shocking surprise!
The truth they keep mute
New dupes to recruit:
It’s because a good customer dies.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
On the Future of the Middle East (if there is one)
You would think they'd takes breaks now and then
If they don't make peace soon
All the streets will be strewn
With the dead from the last of their men
Friday, June 30, 2006
On the Supreme Court's Proving They've Read the Constitution
The High Court of the Land made it clear:
You can’t rule just by fear and by spear.
Mister Bush, here’s the thing,
It’s the Law that is King,
And not you (nor the Veep with your ear).
Thursday, June 22, 2006
On the OEDILF's Diabolical Plan
BHT (butylated hydroxytoluene) is a common, although controversial, antioxidant put into many processed foods, as well as non-food products such as jet fuel and embalming fluid.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
On the Obesity-Subway-Starbucks Connection
Americans eat 'round the clock
We're fat and we're sick—what a shock!
We can't get very far
When we don't take the car
Thank God there're two Subways per block
So, which came first, the plague of Starbucks and Subways or our "need" for them?
Friday, May 26, 2006
On Bush's Poor Language Skills
And forgets to engage brain to lip
He regrets that he said
“Git ‘im alive or dead”
That Yale class, like the Guard, he did skip
On the Bush-Blair War
Mister Bush and his Blair are contrite
Of the war they are trying to fight
On the plan, it was bad
On the deaths, they’re so sad
Overlook those two things, we were right!
Monday, April 17, 2006
The Banned Mythbusters Limericks
A cueball with whiskers is Jamie
Who takes on all myths true and lame-y
With white shirt and beret
To provide the cachet
He puts up with no cockamamie
Now Adam’s the life of the party
And dresses in black oh-so-arty
He won’t miss a chance
To pull down his pants
Or think up a prank crude or fart-y
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
An Exit Strategy for Bush
All the way to the end of his stint
But why wait for so long
When he’s done so much wrong
Hey Congress: Impeach him now! Take the hint!
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Deadwood Between the Ears
It’s not only the channels like Fox
Which employ so much language that shocks
Thus the fact that our youth
Will learn speech most uncouth
Gives new meaning to “Idiot Box”
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Friday, March 31, 2006
On the Power of Religion
Slimmin' With Religion
The American people are fat
And we need to do something real stat
"Just say no" supersize
(which goes right to your thighs)
And ask, would Jesus want fries with that?
And speaking of the past, not everything oldie is goodie:
That Old-Time Religion
Don’t give me that old-time religion
Where killing ain’t always a sin
Don’t you find it quite odd
That Old Testament God
Struck down millions who weren't his kin?
Along these lines, there is a great quote from Isaac Asimov about religion and the bible:
"Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived."
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Bush is between Iraq and a hard place...
Bush’s polls are all going way down
As his war destroys town after town
But what really is wrong
Is it’s taken this long
To admit we elected a clown
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
A Limerick On Limericks
This is a job for...LimerickMan!
Here is the correct way to write one. A "true" limerick has anapestic (two unstressed and one stressed syllables) or perhaps amphibrachic (unstressed-stressed-unstressed) meter and an aabba rhyme scheme. Also, the two "b" lines are shorter than the "a" lines. Thus, if you are following along, the syllable count must be 9,9,6,6,9. HOWEVER, this is just the "correct" way to write one. If you feel what you need to say is so important or clever or funny that you can break these rules, go for it (and be grateful there is no penalty for perpetrating poor poetry). But make sure it sounds good when read aloud. And finally, remember that the real heart of a limerick is the final line, so make it a good one!
So, to set a good example and to drive this point home, I present my Limerick on Limericks (yes, this will be on the test!):
A good lim'rick is not hard to pen
Proper rhyming must first be your ken
As for meter, you see
Anapestic is key
But it's here that a verse finds its Zen
OK, I'm done. Now back to our regularly scheduled program. Thank you for your patience.
Friday, January 20, 2006
On President Bush's ordering illegal wiretaps
Of the rights that our founders bestowed
With all those big words
Read only by nerds
Bill of Rights?? Going down the commode…
*Bush-speak for "known"
Monday, October 31, 2005
On research that suggests incest may have evolutionary advantages
Who did a lot more than just kiss
They thought that their genes
Beat any vaccines
"Diluting them would be remiss!"
Friday, October 28, 2005
Bush's Perfect Storm
For a White House enGulfed in fire
But Bush is no fool
He'll solve this "old school"
Just sell out to the highest buyer!
Thursday, July 28, 2005
On the Rove Leak Scandal
Who outed the name of the sneak
If Bush keeps his word
And fires this Turd
Let's hope Rove's future is bleak
Monday, June 20, 2005
On Porter Goss's admission of knowledge of Osama's location
It's that sovereign-nation thing, alack!"
Tell us why, Mr. Goss,
Over that we did gloss
When we invaded all of Iraq?
Thursday, June 16, 2005
On the whole Michael Jackson Train Wreck
Kid 2 should have practiced his lie
But the verdict is in
Michael's guilty as sin
Of being one freaky weird guy
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
On the DeLay Scandal
You'll be pulling down generous pay
So I wonder how much
Of perks, money, and such
That his dog gets each time he will "stay?"
Friday, April 01, 2005
On Johnnie Cochran Jr.'s Passing
You would know Mr. Cochran is gone
But the point of this rhyme
Is when it's OJ's time
He'll need a better lawyer than John!
(note how I worked in OJ's true destination...)
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
On the Presidential Election 2004
Bush says he can heal the divide
Some say that he lied and he lied
They yak and they yak
Between each attack
As voters we sighed and we sighed
The two-party system is broke
"Democracy" went up in smoke
Bush's more like Nero
Than he's a hero
To say we're united's a joke
On the Inauguration 2005
With a speech and some pomp and a band
We ignore all the strife in the land
Woodrow had it right:
No parties tonight!
Let's get back to the business at hand
On the stage Bush is reaping the perks
In the stands Kerry sits and he smirks
But out in the crowd
In whispers out loud
Both sides call the other one jerks
After speeches both regal and tough
Came the pomp and the bands and the fluff
For once we agree
With the Glitterati
Two parties just aren't enough!
On the Harvard "Sex" Scandal
When Summers sprung "Math's for us gent"
Ms. Hopkins got really quite bent
Larry's sexist gall
Will be his downfall
It's the winter of her discontent
You can't tell a Harvard man much
About all those "-isms" and such
"A manly man's path
Is Science and Math"
Is a subject he better not touch
Summers' in for the fight of his life
His comments have caused lots of strife
Being a male-snob
Is bad for his job
But wait till he hears from his wife!
On the State of Dis-Union Speech 2005
"Democracy's out on the prowl"
And the GOP stands up to howl
When Bush shoveled poo
Some brave Dems did boo
But mostly they sit there and scowl
On the Michael Jackson Trial
Michael Jackson (who's white as a ghost)
Is accused of being a bad host
So if the court finds
He likes boys' behinds
Michael's singing career will be toast
Michael Jackson was hit with the flu
And was late with his recent boo-boo
To add to this show
Did we need to know
That his favorite jammies are blue?
On General Mattis's Fondness for Killing
General Mattis thinks killing's fun
He loves the sound of his big gun
His credo's, no doubt:
"God will sort them out"
Let's all pray his career is done
On the Buster PBS Scandal
What Would Mr. Rogers Do?
That Postcard from Buster wasn't bad
Because those kids had moms, no dad
But Spellings said "Leave it in the can"
So PBS turned their tail and ran
And adding insult to her flack
She whined "We want our money back!"
PBS did what they thought was right
They kept the episode out of sight
But what was "right" was really wrong
We've kept gays in closets all too long
PBS was our beacon of hope
We wrote them checks! Aren't we the dope!
They have no backbone, they have no spine
"We believe in equality" is just a line
Heaven forbid, our kids should see
A loving couple, she and she
Our kids might learn, like Tinky Winky
That gay people aren't all that kinky
They're really just like you and me
They want to live here and be free
So if you're listening, PBS
(just in case you couldn't guess)
Next time you preempt a week of shows
To trot out your budget woes
And ask us for our yearly tithes
Perhaps we'll just avert our eyes
And turn off the money spigots
Go hit up those right-wing bigots!
I'd ask myself, if I were you
What would Mr. Rogers do?
Pat Mitchell is being adjourned
"But not because Buster I spurned!"
PBS, you see
Must bow to D.C.
Now boys and girls, what have we learned?
Pat Mitchell steps down
She denies, but we wonder
Did Buster bust her?
On Prince Charles's Remarriage
Charles' marriage to Diana was aborting
Even while Camilla he was courting
One questions his taste
(And hopes he is chaste!)
We wonder who next he's Consorting?
On the Eagles' Superbowl Loss
It's just another "almost" for Philly
This win-aversion-thing's getting silly
There'll be no delight
In Mudville tonight
Philadelphia's mood is quite chilly
This season has been no exception
By bumbling, fumbling, interception
Philly teams make an art
Of breaking a fan's heart
Don't expect a happy reception!
On the NHL Season That Wasn't
Hockey team owner to his crony:
"More money I don't want to pony!"
So they hatch a plan
To shaft every fan
And the guy who drives the Zamboni
On Bush's and Rice's Trip to Europe 2/05
Ms. Rice is quite the dominatrix
When dressed in her garb from The Matrix
With a whip and chair
And some savoir faire
She'll have those world leaders doing tricks
Mr. Bush is in Russia with Putin
For Democracy's cause he's a-rootin'
He's trying to be nice
But if he sends in Rice
Russian butts will be in for a bootin'
On Martha Stewart's Release from Jail
No longer are prisons a place
Where celebrities hide their face
Being locked away
Brings certain cache
Who gets to serve next is a race!
In the past they said prison life sucks
And the food deserved nothing but yucks
But soon you'll see sales
Of Martha-brand jails
Where the coffee is made by Starbucks
On the Baseball Steroid Scandal
Casey Needs His Juice
With apologies to Ernest Lawrence Thayer
It wasn't very long ago that our heroes swung the ash
And played the game for love, not heaping mounds of cash.
They used the muscles they were given by work and heredity
And not from some drug dealer who extracts a hefty fee.
Is it just mindless greed that corrupts our grand old game
Or a headlong rush for more than one's fair share of fame?
They say the fans demand it, they want more homers flying.
But even as they get them, this grand old game is dying.
So even mighty Casey, who's nearly seven feet
Claims he has to take them, just to now compete.
The liquid he injects and the pills that he is popping
Keep the ancient thirty-something's stats from their relentless dropping.
Our kids look up to Casey, they copy what they see:
"I know when I grow up, that's what I want to be!
I want forearms like McGwire, home runs like Barry Bonds!
Why should I work for muscles when I can use steroids' magic wands?"
Some say the benefits of steroids far exceed the risk.
Others want those records to have an asterisk.
Just because most athletes are judged by stricter rules,
They don't apply to Casey, nor to kids in schools.
"Fraud!" cried the minority, and the media answered "Fraud!"
But one great blast from Casey and the audience was awed.
They liked to see the records of forgotten heroes bested,
And thus they never said, these players should be tested.
But the price that we are paying for the paying fans' pleasure
Far exceeds the worth of King Solomon's great treasure.
In addition to the players we're losing to this drug,
The graves of far too many teens this evil juice has dug.
Oh, somewhere in the future the sun is shining bright.
We can only hope that someday we'll finally do what's right.
So till then we'll lobby, and Congressmen will shout,
But there's justice now in Mudville — mighty Casey's heart gave out.
Baseball's hearings were not a lovefest
And McGwire was not at his best
We heard lots of maybes
But they're just big babies
They are scared of a little blood test
A sports superstar's life's full of strife
To stay hero to fans and the wife
But those guys who are juiced
Their careers so to boost
Give new meaning to "larger than life"